BDSM...Huh?

BDSM is an acronym for Bondage-Discipline, Domination-Submission and Sadism-Masochism. The implications of these terms seem fairly obvious but can be entirely misleading and are often times misinterpreted. Truthfully, the specifics could be translated in so many different ways that I could be writing for days just on their complexities. So, without being too generalizing--in terms of vanilla relations (vanilla- meaning non-lifestyle, because these practices are lifestyles unto themselves) they mean whatever you want them to mean. If you like the idea of your partner tying you to the bed and having their way with you-you are engaging in bondage and possibly in a power dynamic not unlike that found in a Dominant-Submissive relationship. If you enjoy a good smack on the ass during intercourse that isn't as different from a sado-masochistic encounter as you'd like to believe. But let me break it down a little.

First, I would like to state for the record that in almost all arrangements inside these lifestyles and/or practices all parties involved SHOULD have three things in common. Trust, communication and consent! All three are VITAL to these practices. If you don't trust the person you're engaging in these activities with and if you cannot communicate honestly with each other-or--you have not consented to the activities taking place--it has the potential to be extremely dangerous, if not fatal. Anyone who knows anything about these ideas will tell you the same. After all, would you really want someone having power over you that you couldn't trust to use it wisely and with your best interests in mind? That being said...

Bondage-Discipline: Bondage refers to the use of rope, chains, and cuffs--anything that limits mobility. The idea is to be rendered (or to render) into a state of helplessness which can lend a very erotic pleasure to the act of fornication. I mean, orgasm is the epitomy of "letting go". Being helpless to stop the onslaught of pleasure can be very liberating and exciting. Discipline, in a vanilla setting is most likely used in role-play. You know, dirty catholic girl and daddy...or whatever. In terms of lifestyle, it is most often a companion to Dominant-Submissive relationships but can, in some instances, stand on it's own or in conjuction with any of the other practices. The idea is complex and hard to put into words but basically the disciplinee wants to be corrected, reprimanded etc... they want to be punished for doing something wrong. I heard the best story based on this idea years ago.

I was talking to a woman about this particular practice one day after she admitted to being a practitioner and she very plainly put it to me like this: it used to be, when she did something that hurt or upset her husband, he'd get mad-blow up-and they'd fight. Sometimes the fights would go on for days. It was horrible. Then they went to therapy and the therapist asked if they had ever considered alternatives to the fighting. She gave them some terms to look up and one of them was BDSM most specifically she wanted them to look into the discipline practices. At first it was wierd and sometimes they chose to fight instead but after a while it just became their only way of dealing. Instead of fighting and all the guilt and frustration that came with it; when he'd get upset about something they'd sit down and discuss precisely what he wanted to make him feel better about the situation. She'd take the punishment which usually ended in wild make-up sex anyway and all was forgiven. His temperament had never gone to that horrible place since and sometimes she even got to turn the tables on him.

Domination-Submission: The trickiest of the terms due to its complexities and society's overall views on "equality" in a relationship. To simplify it a bit this involves a power exchange. The submissive person(s) gives the Dominant(s) person control over themselves in one sense or another. In vanilla relations--one partner takes the role of aggressor (dominant) and one takes on the role of the submissive. This dynamic is quite familiar in most sexual relations anyhow but in this case, the power exchange is acknowledged on a conscious level. It is usually in this exchange that "dirty talk", kinky actions and flat out hormone-driven fucking like bunnies takes place.

In a lifestyle sense--the Dominant partner takes control of any and/or ALL aspects of the submissives life. For these people--it goes way beyond sex. This isn't to say that the submissive partner is treated like a lowly human being or an animal although there are alternative lifestylers that engage willingly in humilation as part of their submission. This simply means that the submissive partner has made a consious decision to give this control to her Dominant partner with the understanding that the partner can be trusted to guide them with love, understanding and responsibility. The submissive partner believes that the Dominant partner is fully capable of making decisions that are in the submissives best interest. This releases the submissive from making those decisions for themselves. This arrangement is called 24/7 Total Power Exchange. Notably, this exchange is where the "collar" comes from and yes, quite literally, the Dominant partner places a collar (or something symbolizing a collar) around the neck of their submissive partner. There are 2 very beautiful ceremonies regarding this particular ritual.

Dom-sub relationships can borrow practices and actions from Bondage-Discipline and Sadism-Masochism or it can exist without those practices...but where's the kink in that?!! LOL. It is a lifestyle all its own (and probably the most complex) due to the magnitude and impact of the power exchange involved. The important thing to remember about this type of relationships is that both parties CHOSE their roles. The submissive negotiates and agrees to her position and her lose of power. It is not taken.

That kind of situation is something else entirely.

Sadism-Masochism: probably the most mis-understood and highly criticized practices in the entire acronym. Whenever these words are mentioned people almost automatically get the imagery of leather daddies/momma's wielding whips and canes and implimenting various torture techniques on some poor schmuck. Okay these things do exist in this particular lifestyle. However, the Sadist is not some evil hellian on a rampage pummelling some poor unsuspecting creature for no reason. The Sadist (top) is engaging in an activity that the masochist (bottom) openly wants. Consider this: Scientist or should I say psychologists and behavioral analysts have proven that there is a very blurred line between pleasure and pain; both are incredibly intense. Add one to the other in a consentual environment that's twice the intensity at one time. For example; if someone were to walk by and pull your hair-it would hurt however, if your partner were to pull your hair during intercourse it probably wouldn't bother you and in some cases it could even heighten the experience. Biting is another great example. You are more apt to enjoy a painful nibble during the act of sex than outside that act.

The tools of this trade are more aptly what causes alarm. Whips...gasp...paddles...oh my! Rest assured! If the sadist has any clue what they're doing these tools are used with extreme caution and control; to maximize the experience for both their bottom and themselves. Sure a whip sounds pretty serious but I've heard the adrenaline rush is amazing. Personally, I could ignore most of the tools but some I find rather intriguing. A few I find incredibly fucking hot for instance, the flail. The professionally made (not the cheap-break-on-the-first-try kind) ones are composed of long strips of leather, rubber, latex, etc, (my preference is deer hide) that is braided into a handle and then the remaining length provides the tails. Imagine 12-36 leather strips, 12-18 inches long, flung with perfect accuracy down your back. I get wet just thinking about how that leather would feel against my skin.

Now, the Sado-Masochistic scenario does not necessarily require sex. Yes, both partners get off on what they are doing but that does not mean that they have to engage in sexual activities. The same could be said for any of these practices really. They are not bound to sex and can all stand intact on their own without either partner engaging in any form of sexual activity. The acts themselves create their own forms of pleasure for some. I know that may be a bit to wrap your head around but it's true. In fact, most professional Dominatrix' or Dominants (male) do NOT engage in sexual activities with their clients. They simply give them the treatment that they ask for.

Tragically, society has force-fed its public notions that folks who participate in this type of behavior are not only sexual deviants but social deviants as well. They are freaks-abnormal and psychologically ill. In fact at one time these behaviors were considered psychotic by mental health care professionals.

However, I would like to draw some attention to the positive aspects of these relationships. While the rest of us flounder through our relationships without any concept of how to ask for what we want/need from our partners, these people are very clear and concise from the get-go. In Dominant and Submissive relationships especially there is often a contract by both parties detailing the ins and out, do's and don't of the relationship. In sometimes graphic detail these partners spell out in no uncertain terms what they desire and expect from their partners. The results are healthy, long-lasting relationships with an astonishing amount of trust and intimacy. Sounds pretty deviant, eh?

For more information including safety, techniques, ideas, links and accessories please take a virtual trip to CASTLE REALM.

~Originally featured in the Christmas, 2005 Edition of the Street Voice Newsletter.