Algebra Equation.

I was asked recently, if I thought that having sex would put a "relationship" into perspective. I said "Yes, I do". I damn well meant it too. Sex can give you a plethora of information about a person and about the chemistry between partners. Period.

The sex doesn't even have to be good. Shit happens. I had a friend, years ago, who told me that the first time her and her boyfriend had sex, he was so drunk that nothing much was happening. It was the grace with which he handled the situation that made the memory so special for her. "We are judged more critcally on our reactions than we are our actions." Because he was capable of reacting to an embarrassing situation in a postive way, my friend adored him for it. He proved to be, for the most part, equally as capable of such outside the bedroom.

Clearly, the point is not to get answers to questions like, "am I the best you've ever had?" or "what random STD can I contract from a random hook-up?". However, if the question is "are we compatible intimately?" I'd say, sex would supply more than a few answers. The problem is that the answers do not always match their intentions.

I mean, let's say for instance, that the person you're having sex with insisted upon taking a shower prior to the activity. Let's say you're the person that takes one to two showers a day and maintain your cleanliness throughout the day so as not to require such. Or maybe you're a cuddler and the other person isn't. Quiet vs. Loud, etc. The possibilities are endless. Any one of these differences could cause a problem.

Who knows? Maybe things start and you find that neither of you can go through with it. Maybe you just start giggling so much you eventually just give up and pass out. There aren't any garauntees that sex even occurs just because you're going to try.

Getting into that position can be tricky. The process resembles a game of Chess. You're counting on half chance and half skills. There are cues for everything, if one is paying attention. Reaction counts for everything. There are no do-overs. It's like dating, only much more complex.

The biggest hurdle is reading the other person because after all, first you have to find out if the other person is willing. They aren't going to come out and agree. Even if they did, they may still choose not to. My standard rule is, I'll throw the bait but the first move is on them. It's one of the few things I'm adamant about. I've heard too many "I was drunk, I didn't understand fully, I hadn't ever intended to..." stories. The whole thing sounds creepy and I do not wish to be a part of all that.

Once you've determined the amount of interest the other person has, you must carefully consider your options and movements forward. Let's face it, unless it's abandon ship, the possibilities are endless. What you want may never happen. You may not even get close. It's all a gamble. The risks are all your own. It's not an easy cat & mouse game. It can be short and sweet or long and drawn out. You may get the inevitable shoot down before even stepping up to the plate. The whole thing may crash and burn in an ugly direction. Still, if it does happen, the experience will stimulate thoughts on the matter.

Dear Sarcasm,

Dear So-and-so advice columnist,

My girlfriend of 3.5 years gave me a horrible STD, cheated on me five + times and is now marrying one of the douche's she cheated on me with, should I forgive her?

Forgive her? No! You should be sending her a bill for the Doc visits to the address shared by her and her new hubby. You should be gift wrapping all remnants of that relationship, including any "personal" items of hers, you might possess, to her husband -requiring his signature for drop-off. You should be fucking as many of her best friends as possible.

However, you could just learn from your mistakes (3.5 years/cheated 5+ times...seriously?!), make a plan to move forward and burn all those mementos. Find what's left of your nuts and add miracle grow or something to those bitches. Don't ever let anyone treat you like that. It is ridiculous and unnecessary. As for the ex. She doesn't need your forgiveness, she's moved on. So should you. Consider it an early birthday present. Someone else now has to put up with her shit! Ok, ok... you can still signature mail her undergarments to the hubbie for shits & giggles... but seriously... get over it already!


Dear So-and-So,

There's this girl who gives me mixed signals. She told me at one point that she was interested. Since then, it's like she doesn't want to outright tell me that she's not interested but acts like/says things that tell me she pretty much doesn't have the slightest interest in pursuing it. She plays at her original statement real nice. We talk about it but nothing comes of the conversation except for a whole lot of "Days of Our Lives" type shit like, "I just don't know what I'd do if you weren't in my life." What should I do?



Dear idiot, enclosed you will find a dollar. Go to the corner store and buy yourself a clue. Any girl that expresses interest but doesn't follow through is NOT going to follow through. You can have random, drunk philosophical conversations about it and never change a thing. The conversation is designed to stalwart the whole situation. Either she meant it at the time but has since changed her mind or she lied. Sounds to me like you're both emotionally stunted.

The girl isn't interested. For whatever reason she took pity on your sorry ass and expressed (ie...mixed signals) a fascination with you, even feigning sincere interest in pursuing a conversation regarding the matter without making the situation any different or any less confusing. You will never have a shot. The first step is admission. The next step is the curb.

After all, you can always look at it this way, if she doesn't want you than maybe it's all for the best. Maybe she doesn't deserve you. Maybe you're too something awesome for her and she knows it. Maybe she is a bitch who's just playing games. Maybe she's just not interested but is playing the 'high' road. Bottom line, if she doesn't want you, you're wasting your time. Better to realize that now, than much later.