4am

Forget-me-knots (purposely misspelled) and I forgot to find the feelings that went along with this catastrophe...and still I want, like a pet, like a thief, like a country without regret and for just a second I glance behind me to see the silhouette of who I thought I was. Lately, the cheshire cat grin that I flash so famously seems empty against the twinkle-less blue of my stark-numb eyes. You walk a fine line between my reality and my insides and I still don't know who it is you see when you look at me.

I gave up looking for that explanation the day the President lit up a foreign sky with his devastating fireworks and our billions-serving army. I gave it a chance, gave it a whirl and lost my insides when he launched a war. Fuck it, he doesn't care so maybe I shouldn't either. I didn't send those boys a packin...didn't put em onto buses and trains, ships and planes. The bastard politicians did.

Does that remind you of a time...long ago...no, it wouldn't. You see, I was alone then. Without family, without friends, without feeling at all. The world was narrow and chaste, as was I. Before now, it was then and I don't recognize that person from that time...I think she died before I had half a chance to know her...makes not a lot of difference now...it was a lie anyhow.

I used to twirl my long hair between my thumb and forefinger. I've replaced hair with nipples and I can't say I have a complaint yet. Even if I somehow go nuts in the gaze of one... women are impossible...impossible to understand, impossible to resist and impossible to forget. But maybe that's just one of a thousand cliched perceptions of a reality that exists only in my head... still...

I've become an amalgamation of pop-culture, alternative scene, queer, social;y-phobic attitude and stagnating wit. I am a walking contradiction of anything and everything that can be said of me. What goes up must come down and what is can always be undone...all I have to do is breath the word and the change will be mine. At least that's what I'd like to believe.