I miss your eyes
I miss your smile
I miss your taste
I miss your kiss
I miss your arms
I miss your lips
I miss your touch
I miss your fingers
I miss your face
I miss time with you
I miss holding you
I miss feeling you
I miss fucking you
I miss loving you
But I don't miss you.
May 30th, 2001
Copyright ©2001
A Prayer
Silently shouting angry thoughts to the heavens
Can He hear above the sullen cries of those who still believe?
I curse His name amidst the rolling thunder
Does He see the tears I shed against the falling rain?
I torch the book that spits His brimstone
Does He know the liars that twist His word?
'Open Your eyes, Open Your ears, Open Your mind...Read Your Book!'
Copyright ©2006
Cannot
I cannot see beyond my fear
I cannot escape the horrors here
I cannot deny myself the attraction
I cannot derive the satisfaction
I cannot myself be that bold
I cannot see you 'to have and to hold'
I cannot get past the rejection
I cannot believe in the power of seduction
I cannot find a way to release
I cannot remain here in peace
I cannot say 'I Love You'
I cannot hear you say 'Me Too'.
Copyright ©2006
Daffodils
And so I sit here
My gaze resting on the Daffodils
Perched upon her window sill
She speaks of a time
Long before I laid eyes upon her
And I listen intently
I search her every move
Every breath, every sound
For a clue of inclination
For I know she sees me not
As anything more than a dear, dear friend
Forevermore just a shadow to her flame
So, I let go
It is this, or it is nothing
I choose this
And so I sit here
my gaze resting on the Daffodils
Perched upon her window sill
Copyright ©2006
Gentle
My heart is found open~yet unbroken
Displaying it's scars like a veteran from battle
'It's slightly used' I muse, 'but it still works like new'
Your soft laugh makes it jump, a giggle makes it grin
You want to hold it, but it is already in your hands
'Gently' I say, 'Please be gentle with it's fragility'
Easily broken, not so easily mended I fear
You cup it in your hands as if to shelter it
'I will not hurt you' you say 'I will only love you'
My heart skips a beat at that and nestles into your hand.
Copyright ©2006
Good Little Christian Boy
GOOD LITTLE CHRISTIAN BOY
Tell me your condemnations
Read to me from HIS book
GOOD LITTLE CHRISTIAN BOY
Speak in HIS place
Crucify me as well
GOOD LITTLE CHRISTIAN BOY
Challenge me to damn HIM
Spoute your qoutes so I hate HIM
GOOD LITTLE CHRISTIAN BOY
Copyright ©2006
It Was All A Lie
Every word you ever spoke
Rings in my ears
Replaying in my head again and again
Every time you ever smiled
Is etched into my brain
Flashes in mind, tortures my soul
Ever kiss we ever shared
Still caresses my lips
Leaving them bruised and aching for you
Every moment of every embrace
The feel of your arms around me
Rapes me, I am left abandoned and alone
The words you used to say goodbye
The promises you made, the stories you told
The sorrow you swore you felt in your heart
It Was All A Lie.
Copyright ©2006
Mending
The Shadows seeping into my veins
Tormenting ancient wounds
To this day unhealed by time
Why do they not rest?
My heart has been crushed
Need I more pain?
Do I have to remember her smile
The way her neck always lured me
the sweet taste of her kiss
A memory is all that should be left
Punish me for this no more
Leave me with my mending heart.
Copyright ©2006
Untitled
Repression grips me
strangling my will to remember
I seek solace in truth
but find only despair in the void
My anger engulfs me
like barbed wire through flesh
There is no escaping this emptiness
whose bitterness speaks from afar
Taunting me with visions
of things I cannot see
Things my mind cannot grasp
and meditation cannot disturb
Will my soul forever betray me
or will I someday know the reasons
My blood runs cold with fear
and my heart is aching in denial
February 2000
Copyright ©2006
Untitled
You are beautiful to me
Your hair shines in the moonlight
Your eyes burn holes into mine
Your body moves against me
But there is malice behind your kiss
And staples in your tongue
Your embrace burns like hell
Your touch stings my aching flesh
For you will not fly on your own
You choose not to use your wings
Instead you soar on occasion
On the foot of a fool
I will not be your fool
I will not play your games
You can take me home tonight
If you still love me tomorrow
Copyright ©2006
Against it all
Against the odds that set presidence
Against the disillusionment of our years
against the raging tides of violence and greed
Against the pain of suffering and lose
Against the bitter cold of shoulders and loneliness
Against the ties that bind us to 'tradition'
Against the salty tears shed in mourning
Against the fear of deaths punctual grip
Against all we were, and all we could be
Against it all...We Love.
Copyright ©2006
Before You
Things were different before you
I didn't need you then
The way I need you now
No one said the things you've said
I didn't hear it then
The way I hear it now
I hadn't felt the way you make me feel
I didn't feel it then
But I feel it now
It didn't hurt this bad before
I didn't care much then
But I sure do now
I didn't love before you
I didn't see it then
The way I know it now
Copyright ©2006
Teach Me
To know you,
I must know myself...
To know myself,
I must know the past...
To know my past,
I must know my parents...
To know my parents,
I must know forgiveness...
To know forgiveness,
I must know love...
Can You teach me?
Copyright ©2006
Untitled
If ever there was a time for you
It would be here and now
For the shadows are overwelming
Against the blaze of the setting sun
The moon threatens days ruler
Anxious to start for her steady course
I am tired and weak from starvation
A hunger only you can cure
Come forth my dear, be with me here
Take me to your frigid palace
Set me upon your catered throne
Let me live in peace beside you
Not behind or beneath as some may go
I want to be your equal, your friend
I want to love you forever
As you in return shall love me
Copyright ©2006
Untitled
You took me in,
You took me on,
You took my hand,
You stole my heart.
You took my smile,
You took my face,
YOu took my pain,
You stole my love.
Copyright ©2006
Monday, December 8, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Algebra Equation.
I was asked recently, if I thought that having sex would put a "relationship" into perspective. I said "Yes, I do". I damn well meant it too. Sex can give you a plethora of information about a person and about the chemistry between partners. Period.
The sex doesn't even have to be good. Shit happens. I had a friend, years ago, who told me that the first time her and her boyfriend had sex, he was so drunk that nothing much was happening. It was the grace with which he handled the situation that made the memory so special for her. "We are judged more critcally on our reactions than we are our actions." Because he was capable of reacting to an embarrassing situation in a postive way, my friend adored him for it. He proved to be, for the most part, equally as capable of such outside the bedroom.
Clearly, the point is not to get answers to questions like, "am I the best you've ever had?" or "what random STD can I contract from a random hook-up?". However, if the question is "are we compatible intimately?" I'd say, sex would supply more than a few answers. The problem is that the answers do not always match their intentions.
I mean, let's say for instance, that the person you're having sex with insisted upon taking a shower prior to the activity. Let's say you're the person that takes one to two showers a day and maintain your cleanliness throughout the day so as not to require such. Or maybe you're a cuddler and the other person isn't. Quiet vs. Loud, etc. The possibilities are endless. Any one of these differences could cause a problem.
Who knows? Maybe things start and you find that neither of you can go through with it. Maybe you just start giggling so much you eventually just give up and pass out. There aren't any garauntees that sex even occurs just because you're going to try.
Getting into that position can be tricky. The process resembles a game of Chess. You're counting on half chance and half skills. There are cues for everything, if one is paying attention. Reaction counts for everything. There are no do-overs. It's like dating, only much more complex.
The biggest hurdle is reading the other person because after all, first you have to find out if the other person is willing. They aren't going to come out and agree. Even if they did, they may still choose not to. My standard rule is, I'll throw the bait but the first move is on them. It's one of the few things I'm adamant about. I've heard too many "I was drunk, I didn't understand fully, I hadn't ever intended to..." stories. The whole thing sounds creepy and I do not wish to be a part of all that.
Once you've determined the amount of interest the other person has, you must carefully consider your options and movements forward. Let's face it, unless it's abandon ship, the possibilities are endless. What you want may never happen. You may not even get close. It's all a gamble. The risks are all your own. It's not an easy cat & mouse game. It can be short and sweet or long and drawn out. You may get the inevitable shoot down before even stepping up to the plate. The whole thing may crash and burn in an ugly direction. Still, if it does happen, the experience will stimulate thoughts on the matter.
The sex doesn't even have to be good. Shit happens. I had a friend, years ago, who told me that the first time her and her boyfriend had sex, he was so drunk that nothing much was happening. It was the grace with which he handled the situation that made the memory so special for her. "We are judged more critcally on our reactions than we are our actions." Because he was capable of reacting to an embarrassing situation in a postive way, my friend adored him for it. He proved to be, for the most part, equally as capable of such outside the bedroom.
Clearly, the point is not to get answers to questions like, "am I the best you've ever had?" or "what random STD can I contract from a random hook-up?". However, if the question is "are we compatible intimately?" I'd say, sex would supply more than a few answers. The problem is that the answers do not always match their intentions.
I mean, let's say for instance, that the person you're having sex with insisted upon taking a shower prior to the activity. Let's say you're the person that takes one to two showers a day and maintain your cleanliness throughout the day so as not to require such. Or maybe you're a cuddler and the other person isn't. Quiet vs. Loud, etc. The possibilities are endless. Any one of these differences could cause a problem.
Who knows? Maybe things start and you find that neither of you can go through with it. Maybe you just start giggling so much you eventually just give up and pass out. There aren't any garauntees that sex even occurs just because you're going to try.
Getting into that position can be tricky. The process resembles a game of Chess. You're counting on half chance and half skills. There are cues for everything, if one is paying attention. Reaction counts for everything. There are no do-overs. It's like dating, only much more complex.
The biggest hurdle is reading the other person because after all, first you have to find out if the other person is willing. They aren't going to come out and agree. Even if they did, they may still choose not to. My standard rule is, I'll throw the bait but the first move is on them. It's one of the few things I'm adamant about. I've heard too many "I was drunk, I didn't understand fully, I hadn't ever intended to..." stories. The whole thing sounds creepy and I do not wish to be a part of all that.
Once you've determined the amount of interest the other person has, you must carefully consider your options and movements forward. Let's face it, unless it's abandon ship, the possibilities are endless. What you want may never happen. You may not even get close. It's all a gamble. The risks are all your own. It's not an easy cat & mouse game. It can be short and sweet or long and drawn out. You may get the inevitable shoot down before even stepping up to the plate. The whole thing may crash and burn in an ugly direction. Still, if it does happen, the experience will stimulate thoughts on the matter.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Dear Sarcasm,
Dear So-and-so advice columnist,
My girlfriend of 3.5 years gave me a horrible STD, cheated on me five + times and is now marrying one of the douche's she cheated on me with, should I forgive her?
Forgive her? No! You should be sending her a bill for the Doc visits to the address shared by her and her new hubby. You should be gift wrapping all remnants of that relationship, including any "personal" items of hers, you might possess, to her husband -requiring his signature for drop-off. You should be fucking as many of her best friends as possible.
However, you could just learn from your mistakes (3.5 years/cheated 5+ times...seriously?!), make a plan to move forward and burn all those mementos. Find what's left of your nuts and add miracle grow or something to those bitches. Don't ever let anyone treat you like that. It is ridiculous and unnecessary. As for the ex. She doesn't need your forgiveness, she's moved on. So should you. Consider it an early birthday present. Someone else now has to put up with her shit! Ok, ok... you can still signature mail her undergarments to the hubbie for shits & giggles... but seriously... get over it already!
Dear So-and-So,
There's this girl who gives me mixed signals. She told me at one point that she was interested. Since then, it's like she doesn't want to outright tell me that she's not interested but acts like/says things that tell me she pretty much doesn't have the slightest interest in pursuing it. She plays at her original statement real nice. We talk about it but nothing comes of the conversation except for a whole lot of "Days of Our Lives" type shit like, "I just don't know what I'd do if you weren't in my life." What should I do?
Dear idiot, enclosed you will find a dollar. Go to the corner store and buy yourself a clue. Any girl that expresses interest but doesn't follow through is NOT going to follow through. You can have random, drunk philosophical conversations about it and never change a thing. The conversation is designed to stalwart the whole situation. Either she meant it at the time but has since changed her mind or she lied. Sounds to me like you're both emotionally stunted.
The girl isn't interested. For whatever reason she took pity on your sorry ass and expressed (ie...mixed signals) a fascination with you, even feigning sincere interest in pursuing a conversation regarding the matter without making the situation any different or any less confusing. You will never have a shot. The first step is admission. The next step is the curb.
After all, you can always look at it this way, if she doesn't want you than maybe it's all for the best. Maybe she doesn't deserve you. Maybe you're too something awesome for her and she knows it. Maybe she is a bitch who's just playing games. Maybe she's just not interested but is playing the 'high' road. Bottom line, if she doesn't want you, you're wasting your time. Better to realize that now, than much later.
My girlfriend of 3.5 years gave me a horrible STD, cheated on me five + times and is now marrying one of the douche's she cheated on me with, should I forgive her?
Forgive her? No! You should be sending her a bill for the Doc visits to the address shared by her and her new hubby. You should be gift wrapping all remnants of that relationship, including any "personal" items of hers, you might possess, to her husband -requiring his signature for drop-off. You should be fucking as many of her best friends as possible.
However, you could just learn from your mistakes (3.5 years/cheated 5+ times...seriously?!), make a plan to move forward and burn all those mementos. Find what's left of your nuts and add miracle grow or something to those bitches. Don't ever let anyone treat you like that. It is ridiculous and unnecessary. As for the ex. She doesn't need your forgiveness, she's moved on. So should you. Consider it an early birthday present. Someone else now has to put up with her shit! Ok, ok... you can still signature mail her undergarments to the hubbie for shits & giggles... but seriously... get over it already!
Dear So-and-So,
There's this girl who gives me mixed signals. She told me at one point that she was interested. Since then, it's like she doesn't want to outright tell me that she's not interested but acts like/says things that tell me she pretty much doesn't have the slightest interest in pursuing it. She plays at her original statement real nice. We talk about it but nothing comes of the conversation except for a whole lot of "Days of Our Lives" type shit like, "I just don't know what I'd do if you weren't in my life." What should I do?
Dear idiot, enclosed you will find a dollar. Go to the corner store and buy yourself a clue. Any girl that expresses interest but doesn't follow through is NOT going to follow through. You can have random, drunk philosophical conversations about it and never change a thing. The conversation is designed to stalwart the whole situation. Either she meant it at the time but has since changed her mind or she lied. Sounds to me like you're both emotionally stunted.
The girl isn't interested. For whatever reason she took pity on your sorry ass and expressed (ie...mixed signals) a fascination with you, even feigning sincere interest in pursuing a conversation regarding the matter without making the situation any different or any less confusing. You will never have a shot. The first step is admission. The next step is the curb.
After all, you can always look at it this way, if she doesn't want you than maybe it's all for the best. Maybe she doesn't deserve you. Maybe you're too something awesome for her and she knows it. Maybe she is a bitch who's just playing games. Maybe she's just not interested but is playing the 'high' road. Bottom line, if she doesn't want you, you're wasting your time. Better to realize that now, than much later.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Go Cardinals!
My father was an American football man. We lived in Colorado and every Sunday, there he sat on the couch chugging a twenty-four pack of cheap beer, watching the Denver Broncos attempt to contend for John Elway's only Superbowl win. The pigskin was his chosen obsession. This didn't prevent him from watching a few major league baseball games throughout my childhood, until the labor strike of 1994 that is. "World Wars didn't stop the World Series, but greed on the part of both players and owners has." I never witnessed my father watch baseball again.
I was fourteen years old at the time. I certainly did not see a way to argue with that logic. I understood that the National sports leagues were considered to be necessary to the social morale. Who doesn't get a warm, fuzzy feeling watching thousands of people rally in support of a team? It is a little unsettling that the World Series could be canceled over money when the loss of lives and players during the first two World Wars had not prevented this precious pastime.
Four years later, during the Sammy Sosa/Mark McGwire Home-Run battle, I began to pay attention to the St. Louis Cardinals. I knew very little about baseball, though I remembered enough from playing softball to get by and a home-run is easy enough to determine. However, when the Steroid controversy began, I once again became oblivious to the game.
It has been nearly ten years since then and I finally conceded to attending a live game, in St. Louis on May 18th, 2008. McGwire has been retired for 7 years and the stars of the team, are people that have not made much headline news, outside their respective accomplishments in playing the game. Baseball is once again a cherished American pastime and the fans are as loyal as they were before '94.
At nearly 80 degrees, with not a single cloud in the sky, it was a perfect day to take in a baseball game. My cohort (a staunch St. Louis fan) and I, made our way through the sea of red and white to the seats she'd acquired. Busch stadium is a beautiful structure and nearly every seat guarantees a decent view. There were plenty of vendors on-hand hawking beer, soda, Cracker Jacks and peanuts along with a lion's share of memorabilia.
That day was dedicated to honoring Sam "the man" Musial, the greatest player in Cardinals history and everyone from the fans to city officials honored him with gusto. It was awesome to see the 87 year-old stand at the podium and receive a standing ovation in front of a crowd that means as much to him as he has to them. After a few words from "The Man" himself, elementary school children opened the game with "God Bless America", followed by the National Anthem. Even though these kids couldn't be expected to nail the high notes in either song, it was one of the cutest things to witness.
Being out of touch with the team for so long, I knew very little about the players but I was enthralled right from the start. The only thing thing that distracted me from the play of the game was the intensity of the people surrounding me. In fact, Stan has said that St. Louis has the best fans in the league. Being in the stadium, completely surrounded, as the Cardinals trail with zero runs, I would have to agree with him. The support was just as strong when they were losing as it was when the team started making great plays in the bottom of the sixth inning. The energy was infectious.
The Cardinals bestowed upon Stan one more honor that day. At the bottom of the ninth, with bases loaded and the score tied, Skip Schumaker hit a walk-off double to bring home the winning run. In those last few seconds, when everyone in the stadium was on their feet to see if the ball would be caught by Tampa Bay's Carl Crawford, the tension was tangible. When it narrowly missed his glove and Jason LaRue crossed home, the entire stadium erupted in celebration and I became a Cardinals fan again.
I was fourteen years old at the time. I certainly did not see a way to argue with that logic. I understood that the National sports leagues were considered to be necessary to the social morale. Who doesn't get a warm, fuzzy feeling watching thousands of people rally in support of a team? It is a little unsettling that the World Series could be canceled over money when the loss of lives and players during the first two World Wars had not prevented this precious pastime.
Four years later, during the Sammy Sosa/Mark McGwire Home-Run battle, I began to pay attention to the St. Louis Cardinals. I knew very little about baseball, though I remembered enough from playing softball to get by and a home-run is easy enough to determine. However, when the Steroid controversy began, I once again became oblivious to the game.
It has been nearly ten years since then and I finally conceded to attending a live game, in St. Louis on May 18th, 2008. McGwire has been retired for 7 years and the stars of the team, are people that have not made much headline news, outside their respective accomplishments in playing the game. Baseball is once again a cherished American pastime and the fans are as loyal as they were before '94.
At nearly 80 degrees, with not a single cloud in the sky, it was a perfect day to take in a baseball game. My cohort (a staunch St. Louis fan) and I, made our way through the sea of red and white to the seats she'd acquired. Busch stadium is a beautiful structure and nearly every seat guarantees a decent view. There were plenty of vendors on-hand hawking beer, soda, Cracker Jacks and peanuts along with a lion's share of memorabilia.
That day was dedicated to honoring Sam "the man" Musial, the greatest player in Cardinals history and everyone from the fans to city officials honored him with gusto. It was awesome to see the 87 year-old stand at the podium and receive a standing ovation in front of a crowd that means as much to him as he has to them. After a few words from "The Man" himself, elementary school children opened the game with "God Bless America", followed by the National Anthem. Even though these kids couldn't be expected to nail the high notes in either song, it was one of the cutest things to witness.
Being out of touch with the team for so long, I knew very little about the players but I was enthralled right from the start. The only thing thing that distracted me from the play of the game was the intensity of the people surrounding me. In fact, Stan has said that St. Louis has the best fans in the league. Being in the stadium, completely surrounded, as the Cardinals trail with zero runs, I would have to agree with him. The support was just as strong when they were losing as it was when the team started making great plays in the bottom of the sixth inning. The energy was infectious.
The Cardinals bestowed upon Stan one more honor that day. At the bottom of the ninth, with bases loaded and the score tied, Skip Schumaker hit a walk-off double to bring home the winning run. In those last few seconds, when everyone in the stadium was on their feet to see if the ball would be caught by Tampa Bay's Carl Crawford, the tension was tangible. When it narrowly missed his glove and Jason LaRue crossed home, the entire stadium erupted in celebration and I became a Cardinals fan again.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Singles Awareness Day. [Humor]
Because I'm half drunk on "Singles Awareness Day" I'll write my version of Valentine's Day Greeting Cards. (I believe columnist Michelle Fisher did something similar to this one year for a Valentine's day issue of her feature column in Curve Magazine.)
- ~Card #1: Dear Valentine, Thanks for being my first, in so many ways.
- ~Card #2: Dear Valentine, you flipped a coin hourly regarding my particular place with you and were an otherwise irritating bitch. Thanks for the ego boost in the sack though.
- ~Card #3: Dear Valentine, watching you go further with a female stripper on a stage than I'd gotten -in 3 months- haunts me more than the cowardly way in which I discovered, you were straight.
- ~Card #4: Dear Valentine, I'm glad nothing more than half-assed sex occurred between us. I didn't let you fuck me because your ego made me sick. I did however, fuck you, to prove that you were a liar.
- ~Card #5: Dear Valentine, I have purposely blocked you out. You were right. You didn't matter to me and I didn't care.
- ~Card #6: Dear Valentine, I think it's disgusting that your ex watched us have sex; even more so that it didn't bother you. I did not consent to being someone else's live porno. My confusion was mended when, after I informed you that what we had was a one-night stand, you got back together.
- ~Card #7: Dear Valentine, Thanks for the drunken lay. I'm glad your man got outta prison. I hear you left him a few years later.
- ~Card #8: Dear Valentine, You were an egotistical, misogynistic older woman with Bon Jovi hair and I am not a trophy.
- ~Card #9: Dear Valentine, You were very nice but boring and had a bit of a sketchy situation going on. I am sorry however, that I let someone else force my hand; though I believe the ultimate result would have been the same.
- ~Card #10: Dear Valentine, Thanks for the orgasms, I should have fucked your ex while I had her lying naked next to me in your bed. That might have been a tolerable amount of justice for your mistakes.
- ~Card #11: Dear Valentine, You definitely made my job more interesting but your boyfriend was creepy.
- ~Card #12: Dear Valentine, next time you go to a bar to pick up a girl while your boyfriend is out of town, have enough sense to make it a one night stand. The last thing a person wants to hear in the afterglow is, "I have something to tell you, my boyfriend has been out of town and he comes home tomorrow."
- ~Card #13: Dear Valentine, You were a beautiful wreck when I met you and it's the reason I left you. Not much has changed.
- ~Card #14: Dear Valentine, Dominant, my ass!
- ~Card #15: Dear Valentine, I still cannot hear that damn "booty bounce" song and I almost never leave my wallet where a woman can reach it. I will never forget having you by the collar in a fit of rage, in front of one of my bars. I have however, forgotten nearly everything about you.
- ~Card #16: Dear Valentine, Thanks for some of the best sex I'd ever had and for the later shoulder/fuck-fest. Things worked out as they should. Thank you for almost ceasing to exist in my reality.
- ~Card #17: Dear Valentine, as the first official one of the former assholes list to break my heart, words cannot express how I really feel about you. I hate you, which means I still love you but I know now that your narcissistic, duplicitous nature would have continued to swallow me whole until you literally killed me.
- ~Card #18: Dear Valentine, wtf was I thinking?
- ~Card #19: Dear Valentine, You were so interesting but I got caught up in a bad trap, made worse by the recipient of Card #17. It wouldn't have worked anyway considering your situation but thanks for the memories and the pastel piece.
- ~Card #20: Dear Valentine, I should have known better!
- ~Card #21: Dear Valentine, well, what can I say? The polyamorous/player thing annoys me, especially when the player pretends not to play.
- ~Card #22: Dear Valentine, I should have known better. You weren't my type anyway. Too bad I didn't teach you about cunnilingus... oops.
- ~Card #23: Dear Valentine, thank you for showing me once again, that you are indeed a beautiful wreck. You are also a narcissist and manipulator now. What a step in the right direction?!
Any more questions about why I'm still single?
I thought not.
I thought not.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
