Singles Awareness Day. [Humor]

Because I'm half drunk on "Singles Awareness Day" I'll write my version of Valentine's Day Greeting Cards. (I believe columnist Michelle Fisher did something similar to this one year for a Valentine's day issue of her feature column in Curve Magazine.)

• ~Card #1: Dear Valentine, Thanks for being my first, in so many ways.
• ~Card #2: Dear Valentine, you flipped a coin hourly regarding my particular place with you and were an otherwise irritating bitch. Thanks for the ego boost in the sack though.
• ~Card #3: Dear Valentine, watching you go further with a female stripper on a stage than I'd gotten -in 3 months- haunts me more than the cowardly way in which I discovered, you were straight.
• ~Card #4: Dear Valentine, I'm glad nothing more than half-assed sex occurred between us. I didn't let you fuck me because your ego made me sick. I did however, fuck you, to prove that you were a liar.
• ~Card #5: Dear Valentine, I have purposely blocked you out. You were right. You didn't matter to me and I didn't care.
• ~Card #6: Dear Valentine, I think it's disgusting that your ex watched us have sex; even more so that it didn't bother you. I did not consent to being someone else's live porno. My confusion was mended when, after I informed you that what we had was a one-night stand, you got back together.
• ~Card #7: Dear Valentine, Thanks for the drunken lay. I'm glad your man got outta prison. I hear you left him a few years later.
• ~Card #8: Dear Valentine, You were an egotistical, misogynistic older woman with Bon Jovi hair and I am not a trophy.
• ~Card #9: Dear Valentine, You were very nice but boring and had a bit of a sketchy situation going on. I am sorry however, that I let someone else force my hand; though I believe the ultimate result would have been the same.
• ~Card #10: Dear Valentine, Thanks for the orgasms, I should have fucked your ex while I had her lying naked next to me in your bed. That might have been a tolerable amount of justice for your mistakes.
• ~Card #11: Dear Valentine, You definitely made my job more interesting but your boyfriend was creepy.
  
• ~Card #12: Dear Valentine, next time you go to a bar to pick up a girl while your boyfriend is out of town, have enough sense to make it a one night stand. The last thing a person wants to hear in the afterglow is, "I have something to tell you, my boyfriend has been out of town and he comes home tomorrow."
• ~Card #13: Dear Valentine, You were a beautiful wreck when I met you and it's the reason I left you. Not much has changed.
• ~Card #14: Dear Valentine, Dominant, my ass!
• ~Card #15: Dear Valentine, I still cannot hear that damn "booty bounce" song and I almost never leave my wallet where a woman can reach it. I will never forget having you by the collar in a fit of rage, in front of one of my bars. I have however, forgotten nearly everything about you.
• ~Card #16: Dear Valentine, Thanks for some of the best sex I'd ever had and for the later shoulder/fuck-fest. Things worked out as they should. Thank you for almost ceasing to exist in my reality.
• ~Card #17: Dear Valentine, as the first official one of the former assholes list to break my heart, words cannot express how I really feel about you. I hate you, which means I still love you but I know now that your narcissistic, duplicitous nature would have continued to swallow me whole until you literally killed me.
• ~Card #18: Dear Valentine, wtf was I thinking?
• ~Card #19: Dear Valentine, You were so interesting but I got caught up in a bad trap, made worse by the recipient of Card #17. It wouldn't have worked anyway considering your situation but thanks for the memories and the pastel piece.
• ~Card #20: Dear Valentine, I should have known better!
• ~Card #21: Dear Valentine, well, what can I say? The polyamorous/player thing annoys me, especially when the player pretends not to play.
  
• ~Card #22: Dear Valentine, I should have known better. You weren't my type anyway. Too bad I didn't teach you about cunnilingus... oops.
• ~Card #23: Dear Valentine, thank you for showing me once again, that you are indeed a beautiful wreck. You are also a narcissist and manipulator now. What a step in the right direction?!

Any more questions about why I'm still single?

I thought not.