[excerpt from] Eulogy.

I sat in the eerie calm of the cool, autumn air agonizing over every detail of what I had just seen. I could feel my insides breaking apart at the gut-wrenching discovery of a leg that didn't belong, haphazardly thrown over a smaller, familiar one that did. His chest covering hers, leaving his back to conceal most of what the sheet did not. There were clothes strewn about everywhere, leaving nothing on the sleeping figures from which they came. Bodies deeply intertwined, flesh and hair fusing into one beneath the piles of blankets. Neither of them conscious of their foolishness, for having left the door unlocked.

As I'd let myself out, the way I'd come in, I took note of the mass of bottles in varying degrees of emptiness set upon the counter top. The booze explained why she hadn't thought to lock me out. I wasn't supposed to know. I was allowed to suspect but the key to the game was for me to be without proof.

Enraged and wounded, I pulled the cell phone from my pocket and dialed the one number I knew would be answered at such an hour. 'Fuck this', I thought.

"Hey." answered the sleepy voice on the other end.

"Hi. Look, I know it's late but I need to get out of here. Can you pick me up at the corner as soon as possible?" I pleaded.

"Uh, sure, what's going on? Are you alright?"

I choke on the sob forming in my throat just enough to squeak out, "No...Look, just meet me at the corner. I'm going to grab my bag and head out there right now."
"But it's like, 2am. You shouldn't wander around that neighborhood this late."
"I know, but I can't stay here, alright. Just get here soon, please?"

"Ok, Sit tight, I'm on my way right now. Be careful."

"Thank you."

I hung up the phone and raced down to my own place, grabbing the knapsack I always carried and threw a change of clothes along with my phone charger inside. For just a moment I turned to face the pictures, meticulously placed on the ledge, of her and I. Photographs I had lovingly framed as a constant reminder of what I was fighting for. I resisted the urge to smash each one till they were nothing more than minuscule fragments and left.

As I moved towards my destination, the glare of familiar headlights broke the homicidal spell that had taken over my mentality. The car pulled up to me and I scurried inside before losing all composure, collapsing into a bawling heap in the passenger seat. She was cooperatively silent, unlike months before when she'd been the cause of such hysteria. She placed her hand comfortingly in my lap, staring straight ahead as she drove us back to her apartment and I fell apart.
At her place, she took my bag and led me up the stairs.

Unlocking the door she set my bag off to one side and arranged me on the couch. She disappeared into the bathroom for a stash of tissues, which she brought to me. Afterward she scampered to the kitchen, producing two bottles of beer from the fridge. She handed me one and then sat down beside me.

"What happened?"

I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes before I began. "I didn't realize he was there. I mean, I knew he had been with her earlier but I figured he'd left because it was so late and I could have sworn I heard his car leave. So, I went upstairs to see if she wanted some company or something; I don't know, I guess I'm not sure why I went up there. Anyway, she'd left the door unlocked. She started leaving it unlocked some time ago so I could get in without having to disrupt her. You know?"

She nodded and then shot me a confused look.

"Wait? Who's the guy? What do you mean you knew he was up there?"

I sighed.

"It's this guy she met, in class or something. They've been 'friends' for a few months now. Well, according to her they were just friends. We've argued about it, you know. I mean, I'm not stupid. He clearly has the hots for her. She said I was over-reacting and that even if it were true, his feelings were different than her own and he knew she was seeing someone so I'd just have to trust her. I couldn't prove anything, so I had no choice." I lit a cigarette attempting to stave off the tightness in my chest and steady my breathing.

"Ok wait. She's 'just friends' with this guy but he's still at her house at 2 in the morning and they're alone? Why weren't you there too?" She shifts in her seat to face me.

"Yeah, we don't like each other much. He's a conceited jackass who has made it obvious to me that he wants her for himself. I've just assumed it was on purpose because she told me he knew her and I were involved. Meanwhile, she's made it clear that since we don't get along, she'd rather not hang out with us at the same time. So, when he comes around, I find other things to do. Tonight, I decided to stay at my place and write. She knew where I was and I told her to call me when her 'buddy' time was up."

"So, did she call?"

I shook my head.

"So she didn't call and you decided to go up anyway?"

"Yeah, sometimes she does her own thing for a while after her friends leave or whatever and then calls me. Most nights, no matter what, she rings me before bed and asks me up to sleep with her, if I'm not already there. I figured she had just fallen asleep while watching TV or something." I sniffled and she handed me a Kleenex.

"But she hadn't? They were still hanging out?"

"She'd fallen asleep alright and he was definitely still there. They were together in the same bed, we so often share, sleeping." Fresh sobs prevented me from continuing.

"Oh, honey. I'm so sorry."

She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close. As my tears soaked her sweatshirt, I thought about how wrong it had been to call her, of all people. I knew she was looking for redemption for her own mistakes as I knew my reasoning for calling her was my own variety of retaliation. Though against who, I wasn't entirely sure.

Gaining composure once more I took a swig of beer. "I don't know why I am always so bloody stupid!"

She sat straight up. "Why are you stupid? You've been nothing but understanding with her. She's the stupid one, for not appreciating what she has."

"You mean like you did!" I spat.

It slipped out before I could stop it. It wasn't fair to dig on her, especially considering the circumstances. She became sheepish and sad as I knew she would. Unlike my newest mess, she seldom argued my point that when it came to our ending, it was all on her. In spite of the fact that we'd both known it was a possibility when we'd begun.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean…it's just... what the fuck? Why is it that I am not good enough for you people? Why can't one person I'm with just love me for me and not need someone else. Do I have a sign on my forehead that only assholes can see that says please fuck me over, make me plead and beg and then toss me aside like yesterday's trash?"

She whispered, "No."

I saw the hurt on her face as she considered what to say next. She reached out and took my clammy, tear-stained hand in her own.

"Look, I can't speak for her; personally, I've never liked that situation or her for that matter. You know that. She's flighty, arrogant and she treats you like shit. As for me, you know it wasn't about you. You were good to me, I've never denied that. In the time we were together you treated me better than anyone I've been with my entire life. You know this. I'm sorry, so sorry that I hurt you because you are the one person who didn't deserve it."

This is why I had called her. I realized her guilt would make an easy target for my aggression and she would feel compelled to console me. I was aware that she still loved me enough to care that I was completely miserable. I knew she'd not only be angry with my girlfriend but with herself, for her own part in all of this. It was selfish and I knew that too. I felt my own guilt swell for a moment before her voice interrupted my thoughts.

"Not that I want to cut her any slack but is it possible that they were just sleeping? Maybe she fell asleep and he just crawled in or something?" she offered.

I shook my head. "No. Neither of them appeared to be dressed and she rarely sleeps that way. Certainly not if someone she doesn't want to have sex with is in the house. Besides, their clothes were all over the place...and..." More tears stung my eyes.
"They...were...cuddled...peacefully, like it was the most natural thing in the world; like that was the way it had always been."

I laid my head back into her shoulder and cried. She held me. Occasionally breaking her silence to whisper, 'I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry.' I shook and cried until I couldn't anymore. Then, sitting up, I chugged my own beer and the remainder of hers. I could feel the anger rising in me suffocating everything else.

"Fuck it, right? I mean, if she doesn't care about me or how I feel, then what does any of it matter. This was all just a cruel joke. I've wasted my own life on someone who couldn't care less if she tried. Seems to be the story of my bloody life, doesn't it?"

She sat quietly mulling over what to say. "Maybe she does care, maybe she's just not..."

Glaring, I swiveled my head, stopping her in mid-sentence. "Don't you dare! She came onto me remember? I had finally gotten over you and me. Things were beginning to feel alright again. Then, here she comes making promises she obviously had no intention of keeping. It was she who kissed me that first time. I had walked away. No, the fact that I have tits and a cunt was never a secret. She knew what she was doing getting involved with me and she even told me so during that first conversation. So don't you dare give her the benefit of that sorry excuse because that's all it is!"

She recoiled. "Ok, ok...I was just saying. You know I think she's a bad idea for you, period. If she is willing to be that careless about things; about your feelings, then it is clear that she's just not worth it. I mean, if you're even half as good to her as you were to me and she's still willing to be so callous; that is not cool."

She paused, looking directly at me. "You deserve better, you know. I mean, you deserve better than either of us have given you really."

Our eyes met. I was still processing her words when she leaned in to kiss me. My first instinct was to push her away screaming 'this is not what I came here for' but I wasn't sure myself. Instead I gave in, allowing the anger I'd been fighting to cascade like a dam breaking as I took control and tore at her with a ferociousness that would have surprised both of us under different circumstances.

Sex between us had rarely been timid, even at the beginning of our former relationship. There was always such urgency and a violence that surpassed anything I'd experienced prior. As a couple, we were insatiable. I'd sworn never to give her the satisfaction of this again. Later I would grow to hate her for it but at the moment, I just wanted to to feel something besides the anguish that was tearing me to shreds.

Right there, on her couch, I took her in every way possible. My assault was vicious. I cursed like a porn-star, left marks and scratches on every inch of skin I came in contact with and crushed my lips against hers with such force, they became swollen and bruised. My jagged nails ripped into the flesh of her shoulders and down her back. I needed to hurt someone and here she was, naked and taunting the very worst of me.

I sought to make her pay for her own mistakes, the indiscretions of the one I'd just run from and the guilt I'd have to live with for what we were doing. She would occasionally fight back; flipping me into submission and matching my voracity with each turn. For hours we went back and forth like that until exhausted and sore, we curled into a spoon and went to sleep.

(c) Me, 2007